How NOT to write Battle Royale fanfiction
by Fomalhaut
Summary: Just a piece of fun written about original BRs, with flaws that, I think, should definitely be avoided. Enjoy!
1. Chapter 1

**Okay, this is not mocking you! I just began to write this sort of stories, and felt the need for a Battle Royale as well. **

**And, putting in your own characters is great (I have done it too), just please, avoid these...**

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**1. The predictable way**

FOCUS! OMG!

Johnny Smith had curly red hair and deep blue eyes, was 6 feet and 2 inches tall, no, maybe a little less, was slim and sporty, loved basketball, though his favourite sport was baseball, he loved Madonna's music and had a crush on Emma Cole of the same class who happens to have long, straight blonde hair and sooo pretty emerald green eyes while she loves classical music, plays the piano and…

…all this while no one else gets a tiny piece of description, apart from maybe the name or the fact that they were sitting next to John or Emma…

WTF WE'RE IN THE PROGRAM, DAMMIT!

"Oh, I don't want to kill, John!"

"Oh, Emma (how the hell did he find her?!), me neither!"

OMG! A CLIFFY! Who will survive? _I could never guess…_

**2. The stereotype way**

Good guy, Emo guy, and Pretty Love Interest Girl manage to team up! Can Emo Guy be trusted? Oh oooh. Emo Guy be trusted? Of course, for he shows his soft side and helps them all along, without constantly trying to slit his own wrists or cry and angst (showing he was an emo just to follow the current trends, but you're not supposed to care about that), and… OMG! A CLIFFY! Will they escape?

_Borders predictable way._

**3. The photocopy way**

Steven Nanlin grew up in an orphanage with his best friend Yonah Kipling, who had a crush on Nora Nandor. In the Program, after Yonah is killed, the two team up with Shane Kaway, who is incidentally a survivor of a previous program…

_Fantasy…?_

**4. The first person way**

Oh dear, when I saw how evil teacher Taylor shot Brian, it was as if my heart was ripped out of my chest…

_Fine, but if the narrator dies, who will continue the story?_

**4.2. The switching point of view way**

You pick a class of at least 50 people and want to avoid being predictable, so you let everyone participate generously…

…_too bad the reader will lose the thread after 10 people._

**5. The enormous number way**

30? Too few? 42? Ah, that was the original. Let's take a class (?!) of 60 people (a bit overcrowded, dontcha think?), with 30 boys and 30 girls, who get chosen for the Program. You don't focus too much (you couldn't even choose your main character), but after finishing the first day, you noticed you've forgotten to tell us or even to think about what 15 people you forgot you invented as well were doing.

… _if _you_ forget, you can't expect us the readers to remember._


	2. More

**I'm not saying these are bad - just please don't overdo it. And before you flame me down, I'll state that my BR fic is nearly finished, and the first chapters will hopefully be up before the end of the year.**

**And The Wax Factory - I bow to your self-criticism. That's the sign of a mature writer, who does not feel insulted.**

**Uh, and what is 72 Hours? Anyway, by the switching point of view, I meant giving EVERY SINGLE person a piece.**

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**Usual characters/patterns**

**1. The "good guy"**

He's introduced right in the first paragraph. If not, generally he is the first character we get to know after the list. Like, the list is given, some info about the country etc., then we are on the bus/in the class/in the gym/somewhere else, and then "Johnny Smith looked around and saw his friend Joe Taylor standing near the wall…"

**2. The evil teacher**

He (I have never seen a female teacher) is the one who coordinates the Program. And he is evil, pure evil, he loves to see the poor clueless kids suffer, and has fun torturing them. Before it all began, he murdered some of the characters' families or raped their mothers. During the introduction, he kills at least one student and injures a few others (generally shooting them in the leg á la Noriko Nakagawa), often with absolutely no reason (the teacher is neither threatened or anything) – if not the writer's desperate attempt to show that he is evil. Very, very evil.

**3. The obligatory suicidal couple**

If there are two lovers in the class, they will soon commit suicide together, that's for sure. I'm not saying this is impossible, but it's getting overused. Sure, it is a possibility, but it gets really tiring after the thousandth fic. Couples never survive the first few hours…

**4. The murderer students**

There are usually two (let's make it even, one guy and one girl) who go around murdering their classmates with little or no guilt. We already met these two when Johnny Smith was wondering about how mysterious/evil they were, so when they go around merrily shooting their friends, there is little chance for us to be too surprised.

**5. The troubled ones**

In a class chosen for the Program, at least 90 percent of the kids have been tortured/raped/beaten/orphaned/grown up in extreme poverty or whatever, normal families are seldom seen or mentioned. Fine reasons to go around killing, sure, but it would be quite a chance for all the broken souls to end up in the same class. Oh, waddaya know, they also get chosen for the Program!

**6. The weapons**

Okay, for 3 or 4 students to get useless stuff like a boomerang, a pot lid or a rusty nail is okay. Just don't overdo it, the Programs would hardly go anywhere if 50 percent of the kids were running around with rubber chickens, picture frames and pillows.

Next, remember the bad guy always gets one of the best weapons _and_ the bulletproof vest, or, if not, he soon gets hold of them. I've never seen an antagonist ready to leave behind him a trail of corpses start the Program with, say, a toothbrush.

Oh, and greatswords, bazookas, pneumatic drills, chainsaws, cannons and shovels don't fit in the bags.

**7. Bang! Bang!**

Firearms are good. Shooting down fellow students is even better, if we are in a Program! Now, of course the major villain has to be killed, but, I say, can't we be a little more creative? All that shooting can soon get boring. Let's get on with beheadings and smotherings, or… hey, why not throw a vase of flowers on someone's head? (No, a piano is too heavy to lift, sorry.)

**8. The escape**

Honestly, I have yet to see a fic in which someone actually _wins_ the Program. Nope, no chance of that. Some of them (two at least) always escape, and nobody can track them down, end of story. It would be a thrill to see how a winner gets along with everyday life, but, alas, that's doomed to be a fantasy, for now.


	3. Chapter 3

**Still not meant to be mocking. I did some of these myself, but not too many.**

**Oh, and Ciwey, I'm reading The Raising Hand program, have recently finished 72 Hours, took a look at What if we're next and some other fics of which I don't remember the titles. I don't post this type of fics without doing some research first.**

**Thanks for the reviews.**

**

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Oh, and I see EVERYONE misinterpreted 4.2 in the first chapter. I didn't mean switching in third-person. I meant lots of people telling what's happening in first person.**

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**More random stuff that you CAN do…**

Give around an insane amount of firearms (8399325 different brands and types of pistols/shotguns/machine guns).

Give around an equally insane amount of useless stuff.

Scratch that, useless stuff can prove useful – OMG SURPRISE SURPRISE! – whaddaya know, some random useless background character got killed with a stick!

The last person MUST die by a bullet.

Scratch that, someone escapes.

The villain MUST die by a bullet nonetheless.

Even if he's wearing the bulletproof vest.

Even if you've seen they don't die if you fire anywhere from their waist up to their neck, just keep shooting there until you're out of bullets.

Even if you realise they're wearing a bulletproof vest, keep firing at their stomach.

Just keep firing at people's stomach. Some of them will probably die, except the one with the bulletproof vest, which dramaturgy says is the one that has to kill you.

Or your best friend.

Or anyone, which in the end makes your last bullet (obviously aimed at their stomach) stray and hit their head.

Worry a lot about getting chosen for the Program; that's a sure-fire way to _actually_ get chosen.

Worry a lot about having to kill people. You'll probably end up killing your best friend by accident.

Or not by accident, but you shouldn't say that out loud.

When stumbling upon some other kid, don't care about their relationship with you; kill them.

When stumbling upon some other kid who wants to kill you, don't kill them – bind them with anything that comes in handy (rope, yo-yo string, your school cravat, poisonous snake…) and carry them around with you.

Even if you want to win the Program.

And you're not trying to use them as human shields.

And you're not torturing them.

If you win the Program make sure you're almost dead.

Lose at least a limb, an eye, or any other VISIBLE part.

Look as if you've just been pulled out of a dog's mouth.

Spend months or even years in hospital.

Slip into a coma.

Die of your injuries.

Scratch that, commit suicide.

Wait with that, kill the Program coordinator first.

DO NOT shoot them. Be creative!

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**Seriously, I'm still wondering why winners always look like bloody pulps. Before you give me the obvious answer: take the original. What if Kiriyama had won? How would he look?**


End file.
